Truth: I've been on the verge of tears since leaving work. I had a nice little cry in my car before leaving also. Was it a rough night? Not really, no different than other nights I've had. Except for being asked where I've been by a coworker before I left. I recounted my story briefly about having surgery for an ectopic pregnancy. She said she felt like shit for asking but I said it was okay. Which I guess was a lie. I thought I would be ready to talk about it more. I didn't think that saying what happened would affect me. Like I said before, it's still hard to grasp the concept that we lost a baby. But each time I hear someone say "I'm sorry" I think about it and it becomes a little more real I guess. It's still hard. I still hurt. I still wonder what that baby would be like. I tell myself that I wasn't ready for another baby yet anyway. But maybe deep down I am and now, I have to build up the courage (?) and strength to take the risk. Will I ever really be ready?
There are fewer than 200,000 cases of ectopic pregnancies per year. Does that make me special? I don't know. But I know that this experience has change me, physically, emotionally and spiritually. By being told other people would have come in a lot sooner for the pain, does that make me stronger or just a fool for letting it get too bad? I thought about that on my way home too. I was immobilized by the pain I was having and still rated it at 8/10. I'm sure it's the nurse in me coming out since I was still conscious and had all my limbs attached yet. But this was truly the worst pain I have ever experienced. They say pain is weakness leaving the body. But I certainly feel week still. I feel defeated at times, like getting winded simply hanging up clothes. I know I shouldn't feel defeated because I did have major surgery and am still recovering but it's hard for me to laid up.
I write to get shit out, so I babble about nothing because I don't know how to process this yet. Because it's still grey and fuzzy at times. It was a whirlwind and an emotional roller coaster that I'm still riding. Hop along if you're brave enough.
Thursday, February 9, 2017
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Lost
One week has passed since my life has changed. Since we lost a baby. I'm still processing, and working through the huge amount of things that happened last week.
I had emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy, in which had probably been bleeding since December, causing old blood to adhere to my ovaries. My left fallopian tube was removed and two and a half liters of blood. As well as my angel baby.
I think for me, this is worse than a "regular" miscarriage. I'm not down playing the awfulness of miscarriages at all. I feel for all that have had one or multiple. I'm sure it's not any easier. I morn the loss of a baby I will never know. I morn the thought of what that baby could be. Who they would have turned into. The joy of seeing smiles and giggles. But with every movement I make, I am reminded of the surgery I had and why. Every time I twitch wrong, I get pains. Looking at my belly in the mirror I see the incisions where part of me was removed. I have a massive headache that makes me dizzy and nauseous. All of this, a constant reminder of the baby I lost.
At first, it didn't seem to me that we lost a baby. I didn't know I was pregnant and being only 5-6 weeks along, it's hard to accept still. The ultrasound tech asked how far along I was. Nurses said, "You didn't know you were pregnant". No, I didn't know I was pregnant. But every time I look into my patient portal, to look at my labs, a new health condition is there listed: Ectopic pregnancy. I have an increased risk of having another ectopic and even if it is a low percentage, it's still a percentage, it's still an increased chance. And that scares me. Pregnancy isn't too good to me, my first, I violently puked for 41 weeks, and my second tried to kill me... as much as I want Henry to experience being a big brother, I think it may take a while for me to accept that I am capable of having a "normal" pregnancy.
I spent hours, looking for the perfect ring to symbolize the loss I have, because I never want to forget my angel baby. I don't think I ever will because every time I look at my stomach, I'll see the stretch marks from my first baby intertwined with the scars from my surgery.
I had emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy, in which had probably been bleeding since December, causing old blood to adhere to my ovaries. My left fallopian tube was removed and two and a half liters of blood. As well as my angel baby.
I think for me, this is worse than a "regular" miscarriage. I'm not down playing the awfulness of miscarriages at all. I feel for all that have had one or multiple. I'm sure it's not any easier. I morn the loss of a baby I will never know. I morn the thought of what that baby could be. Who they would have turned into. The joy of seeing smiles and giggles. But with every movement I make, I am reminded of the surgery I had and why. Every time I twitch wrong, I get pains. Looking at my belly in the mirror I see the incisions where part of me was removed. I have a massive headache that makes me dizzy and nauseous. All of this, a constant reminder of the baby I lost.
At first, it didn't seem to me that we lost a baby. I didn't know I was pregnant and being only 5-6 weeks along, it's hard to accept still. The ultrasound tech asked how far along I was. Nurses said, "You didn't know you were pregnant". No, I didn't know I was pregnant. But every time I look into my patient portal, to look at my labs, a new health condition is there listed: Ectopic pregnancy. I have an increased risk of having another ectopic and even if it is a low percentage, it's still a percentage, it's still an increased chance. And that scares me. Pregnancy isn't too good to me, my first, I violently puked for 41 weeks, and my second tried to kill me... as much as I want Henry to experience being a big brother, I think it may take a while for me to accept that I am capable of having a "normal" pregnancy.
I spent hours, looking for the perfect ring to symbolize the loss I have, because I never want to forget my angel baby. I don't think I ever will because every time I look at my stomach, I'll see the stretch marks from my first baby intertwined with the scars from my surgery.
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
Processing
As you know, if you know me at all, I write to process. I write because I don't know how to tell people things that are personal to me. However, I know that if I don't get things out it's not good for me either. So I feel like this is the best way to tell what's going on with us. What I'm about to write about isn't an easy subject at all, so trigger warning I guess.
Sunday night I had emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy. It was not something we were expecting at all. So here goes the story.
I had been having some cramping /pelvic pain on and off throughout December but put it off as irregular periods since I had stopped breast feeding in September so I had just started regular periods again. Most days I was fine, without pain. I was working out like normal, going about my day as normal without thought that something might be wrong. Sunday was no different. We went to church and about our day. We went to our friends for supper and played cribbage. The last round of cribbage I started feeling nauseous and by the time we got home I vomited and developed severe abdominal pain where I couldn't move without being in pain or feeling nauseous. I fought with myself about needing to go to the ER, as a nurse I didn't want to go for nothing. Thankfully, Randy was persuasive and got me to go in.
As with almost any female patient that comes in, they asked for a urine sample. Thinking about a bad UTI or Pyelonephritis (when the infection gets to the kidneys). I had some back pain, but figured it was from working out a little harder than I had been and doing a core workout. Shortly after I peed in cup the doctor came back and said my pregnancy test was positive. This was a huge shock for us. Especially since I was on birth control and had been having periods. Of course, I instantly knew that this was now likely an ectopic pregnancy as this was one of my fears before going in that night.
It still didn't hit me that I was pregnant. Labs showed that I was only about 5-6 weeks along. Ultrasound was called in. I knew that the US tech wasn't really supposed to tell me what he saw but he showed me the pools of fluid, debris and a possible cyst by my ovary. He also said there was nothing in the uterus, but with only a hcg of 700 he wasn't super surprised he couldn't see anything.
Multiple doses of morphine didn't help my pain. After walking to the restroom, I felt like I was going to pass out. I had never been in this much pain in my life.
Long story short, the OB/GYN was called in and I was quickly prepped for surgery. The ARNP was someone we know so that comforted me a little. (He was also the one that did my epidural for Henry and had to be called back in for that.) He gave me happy drugs and I was whisked away. I don't recall much from before the surgery. I woke up in recovery and remember being freezing. I said I'm cold but other than that could really only nod or shake my head. I did say belly button when asked where most of my pain was. I also remember asking if they took the tube and the nurses replied they had taken the left Fallopian tube. While I knew this was likely going to happen, I was still in shock and upset. As a friend said, anything with the reproductive system is emotional, and now knowing that I wasn't "whole" was upsetting, especially as this was unexpected and sudden. As well as the tube, they drained out 2 1/2 liters of blood from my abdomen, and old blood that had adhered to my ovary. I have pictures if you're that interested. They believe I was probably bleeding since December because of the old blood and the other symptoms. They also said most people would have been in a lot sooner because of the pain, but like I said I put it off as nothing. I always say, nurses make the worst patients, especially seeing so many people come in to the ER for nothing, I didn't want to be one of those people!
We were in the ER by 11 and I was in surgery by 330, and in my room at 630. I spent the day hanging in 2158, a room I had helped so many patients in as a tech. I think all nurses feel the same that it is so hard to be a patient. These things aren't supposed to happen to us. Afterwards, most of the pain was in my shoulders due to the gas that they filled me up with for surgery. I still have some pain in my belly from the puncture incisions and I think from everything adjusting back to normal after the blood being removed. I'm hoping being in decent shape prior to the surgery will help my recovery go quicker but I'm prepared for a week of resting. But it's hard not being able to hold Henry and he doesn't understand that he can't jump on me like he used to. It's hard not being able to workout or do things around the house today.
I now have to morn the loss of a baby I wasn't expecting and didn't know about. How can you begin to process finding out in less than 24 hours you're pregnant and now having surgery to remove an ectopic pregnancy and a Fallopian tube. When the US tech asked how far along I was that kind of shook me. I wasn't pregnant. So to process the fact that I actually was pregnant and now no longer am is a hard one. It's impossible to explain how you can so quickly fall in love with something that I had no idea about and now is gone. It's impossible to know how I should feel when in less than 12 hours I found out I was pregnant and it was slowly killing me. I received an empty cradle box from the hospital. I wanted to deny it, saying someone else who actually knew they were having an infant loss needed it more, but then it hit me. I had an infant loss. I was going to go through a grieving and morning process. I lost a baby.
We were just starting to consider a second child. While they say my fertility won't be affected it's scary to think that my change of another ectopic increase. It's hard to know where to go next from here or what will happen. granted, I don't have to make any decision quickly.
I am so thankful for great friends and family that has been there for me during this. I am so thankful for the love and support I have. I am not posting to ask for sympathy, just prayers as we work through this and for my recovery. So if you ask about when we are having another baby, please don't be surprised if I start to cry or don't want to talk about it.
Sunday night I had emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy. It was not something we were expecting at all. So here goes the story.
I had been having some cramping /pelvic pain on and off throughout December but put it off as irregular periods since I had stopped breast feeding in September so I had just started regular periods again. Most days I was fine, without pain. I was working out like normal, going about my day as normal without thought that something might be wrong. Sunday was no different. We went to church and about our day. We went to our friends for supper and played cribbage. The last round of cribbage I started feeling nauseous and by the time we got home I vomited and developed severe abdominal pain where I couldn't move without being in pain or feeling nauseous. I fought with myself about needing to go to the ER, as a nurse I didn't want to go for nothing. Thankfully, Randy was persuasive and got me to go in.
As with almost any female patient that comes in, they asked for a urine sample. Thinking about a bad UTI or Pyelonephritis (when the infection gets to the kidneys). I had some back pain, but figured it was from working out a little harder than I had been and doing a core workout. Shortly after I peed in cup the doctor came back and said my pregnancy test was positive. This was a huge shock for us. Especially since I was on birth control and had been having periods. Of course, I instantly knew that this was now likely an ectopic pregnancy as this was one of my fears before going in that night.
It still didn't hit me that I was pregnant. Labs showed that I was only about 5-6 weeks along. Ultrasound was called in. I knew that the US tech wasn't really supposed to tell me what he saw but he showed me the pools of fluid, debris and a possible cyst by my ovary. He also said there was nothing in the uterus, but with only a hcg of 700 he wasn't super surprised he couldn't see anything.
Multiple doses of morphine didn't help my pain. After walking to the restroom, I felt like I was going to pass out. I had never been in this much pain in my life.
Long story short, the OB/GYN was called in and I was quickly prepped for surgery. The ARNP was someone we know so that comforted me a little. (He was also the one that did my epidural for Henry and had to be called back in for that.) He gave me happy drugs and I was whisked away. I don't recall much from before the surgery. I woke up in recovery and remember being freezing. I said I'm cold but other than that could really only nod or shake my head. I did say belly button when asked where most of my pain was. I also remember asking if they took the tube and the nurses replied they had taken the left Fallopian tube. While I knew this was likely going to happen, I was still in shock and upset. As a friend said, anything with the reproductive system is emotional, and now knowing that I wasn't "whole" was upsetting, especially as this was unexpected and sudden. As well as the tube, they drained out 2 1/2 liters of blood from my abdomen, and old blood that had adhered to my ovary. I have pictures if you're that interested. They believe I was probably bleeding since December because of the old blood and the other symptoms. They also said most people would have been in a lot sooner because of the pain, but like I said I put it off as nothing. I always say, nurses make the worst patients, especially seeing so many people come in to the ER for nothing, I didn't want to be one of those people!
We were in the ER by 11 and I was in surgery by 330, and in my room at 630. I spent the day hanging in 2158, a room I had helped so many patients in as a tech. I think all nurses feel the same that it is so hard to be a patient. These things aren't supposed to happen to us. Afterwards, most of the pain was in my shoulders due to the gas that they filled me up with for surgery. I still have some pain in my belly from the puncture incisions and I think from everything adjusting back to normal after the blood being removed. I'm hoping being in decent shape prior to the surgery will help my recovery go quicker but I'm prepared for a week of resting. But it's hard not being able to hold Henry and he doesn't understand that he can't jump on me like he used to. It's hard not being able to workout or do things around the house today.
I now have to morn the loss of a baby I wasn't expecting and didn't know about. How can you begin to process finding out in less than 24 hours you're pregnant and now having surgery to remove an ectopic pregnancy and a Fallopian tube. When the US tech asked how far along I was that kind of shook me. I wasn't pregnant. So to process the fact that I actually was pregnant and now no longer am is a hard one. It's impossible to explain how you can so quickly fall in love with something that I had no idea about and now is gone. It's impossible to know how I should feel when in less than 12 hours I found out I was pregnant and it was slowly killing me. I received an empty cradle box from the hospital. I wanted to deny it, saying someone else who actually knew they were having an infant loss needed it more, but then it hit me. I had an infant loss. I was going to go through a grieving and morning process. I lost a baby.We were just starting to consider a second child. While they say my fertility won't be affected it's scary to think that my change of another ectopic increase. It's hard to know where to go next from here or what will happen. granted, I don't have to make any decision quickly.
I am so thankful for great friends and family that has been there for me during this. I am so thankful for the love and support I have. I am not posting to ask for sympathy, just prayers as we work through this and for my recovery. So if you ask about when we are having another baby, please don't be surprised if I start to cry or don't want to talk about it.
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Strip the weights
I think my theme for the autumn season is "vulnerable". I'm not perfect, I don't claim to be. Whether it be in my faith, my diet, my workout, my work, as a mom, whatever, we all have faults. The important thing is to grow from these and recognize where they lie. The point of my posts are not to brag about my journey, how much weight I've lost or my walk with Jesus. They are to help motivate you to find something your passion.
I never ever thought I would become passionate about something like being a beachbody coach. I am not the epitome of a personal trainer. I don't have that kind of motivation. I am still lazy and would much rather sit on the couch watching tv during nap time than think about how painful it is to walk back upstairs after my workout. Leg day is still brutal, especially when the only working toilet you have is on a different floor and you drink a gallon a day! But I have found that in this journey, I feel better about myself, my clothes fit better. I get complements about how much weight I've loss.
Because of my coach, I have been challenged to also find time to spend with God daily. Something that I have struggled with because of being a busy working mom. I used to use nap time to clean the house or catch up on gossip, but now I work out, take a quick shower and spend a few minutes in my Bible, when all the thoughts come rushing out you get a blog. :)
I have been amazed at the power God has. Prior to being challenged by Crystal, I bought a devotional called "Everyday Faith." by Katie Orr. It was discussed on one of the 'mom' podcasts I listen to. It's a 15 minute daily devotion for those who don't have a lot of time, (insert me). Over the last few lessons I've done my eyes have been opened at how perfect this was for me at the time.
Yesterday's lesson focused on Hebrews 12:1-2. I'm sure you've heard it. "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith,who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."
'Let us strip the extra weight that slows us down.'
Now, this isn't necessarily talking about physical weight or pounds, however it could still be relevant. Today, I set aside my heavier weights during one exercise because I was tired. I thought about how I previously hadn't been able to do so because that much weight used to be a part of me. I have lost the amount of dumbbells I sat on the floor today. I feel so much better about that.
Yet, this passage talks about dropping what is robbing us from our time with God, even if they are good things. Things that we don't realize may be holding us back from our faith journey. This hit home for me on another reason which I can't talk about publicly yet, however my attitude, my personality and my well being were at odds with how I wanted to live my life, so I jumped out of my comfort zone again and took a risk. Whether or not that risk will pay off is yet to come. But I felt pulled to do something and I know now that where I am, is holding me back. As a Christian, we must fight to remove what gets in the way in our journey, even if its a good thing.
What's holding you back? Where do you want to be next year or even next week? Does something in your life need a change? I encourage you to do a personal inventory and lay it all out to God about what's on your mind. He will most definitely walk this race with you and show you exactly where you need to be. What's your passion? Are you doing something truly meaningful in your life or just going through the motions?
~H
I never ever thought I would become passionate about something like being a beachbody coach. I am not the epitome of a personal trainer. I don't have that kind of motivation. I am still lazy and would much rather sit on the couch watching tv during nap time than think about how painful it is to walk back upstairs after my workout. Leg day is still brutal, especially when the only working toilet you have is on a different floor and you drink a gallon a day! But I have found that in this journey, I feel better about myself, my clothes fit better. I get complements about how much weight I've loss.
Because of my coach, I have been challenged to also find time to spend with God daily. Something that I have struggled with because of being a busy working mom. I used to use nap time to clean the house or catch up on gossip, but now I work out, take a quick shower and spend a few minutes in my Bible, when all the thoughts come rushing out you get a blog. :)
I have been amazed at the power God has. Prior to being challenged by Crystal, I bought a devotional called "Everyday Faith." by Katie Orr. It was discussed on one of the 'mom' podcasts I listen to. It's a 15 minute daily devotion for those who don't have a lot of time, (insert me). Over the last few lessons I've done my eyes have been opened at how perfect this was for me at the time.Yesterday's lesson focused on Hebrews 12:1-2. I'm sure you've heard it. "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith,who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."
'Let us strip the extra weight that slows us down.'
Now, this isn't necessarily talking about physical weight or pounds, however it could still be relevant. Today, I set aside my heavier weights during one exercise because I was tired. I thought about how I previously hadn't been able to do so because that much weight used to be a part of me. I have lost the amount of dumbbells I sat on the floor today. I feel so much better about that.
Yet, this passage talks about dropping what is robbing us from our time with God, even if they are good things. Things that we don't realize may be holding us back from our faith journey. This hit home for me on another reason which I can't talk about publicly yet, however my attitude, my personality and my well being were at odds with how I wanted to live my life, so I jumped out of my comfort zone again and took a risk. Whether or not that risk will pay off is yet to come. But I felt pulled to do something and I know now that where I am, is holding me back. As a Christian, we must fight to remove what gets in the way in our journey, even if its a good thing.
What's holding you back? Where do you want to be next year or even next week? Does something in your life need a change? I encourage you to do a personal inventory and lay it all out to God about what's on your mind. He will most definitely walk this race with you and show you exactly where you need to be. What's your passion? Are you doing something truly meaningful in your life or just going through the motions?
~H
Sunday, September 4, 2016
My new healthy
I have always struggled with my weight. Growing up I was always the ‘big girl’. I think all kids have thoughts about their weight whether it be too much or too little. We are notorious for comparing ourselves to others. When we are born, we’re placed on a curve to see where we fall compared to everyone else our age. Physical fitness tests line us up. I always felt humiliated after these by only getting a certain number, and sometimes not getting the ‘standard’. I could never do a pull up, I still can’t. But that doesn’t make me unfit. As a women in our society, this makes me scared for my children. If I have a girl, I hope she doesn’t feel like I did growing up.
When I got to college, I began to get a little more comfortable in my own skin. If you know me, you know I don’t wear make-up. To be quite honest, I don’t really know how when I do so I’m more comfortable not wearing any. For the most part, at home I’m in athletic shorts and a baggy tee shirt. I wear scrubs to work. however, after gaining an excessive amount during my pregnancy and using food as a reward or crutch, I knew something needed to change. Especially when my blood pressure was still elevated after delivery. I was obese according to my BMI, this was hard to hear. So something needed to change. I put it off for a while because I had a good thing going with nursing Henry and didn't want to hurt that. My gym membership worked for awhile, but then our schedules changed. A friend contacted me about beachbody and 21 day fix. I gave {eventually} in. The rest is history. :)
I have had many comments about how much weight I have lost. I’ve been told I needed to get smaller scrubs. I walked to get pizza the other night, and today someone messaged me that her husband saw me and noticed how much weight I had lost, I was in crappy shorts and an old shirt.
My clothes are loose. Numbers aren’t everything but I am down 20 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. I have more confidence, I am happier and have more energy. How have I done this?
I do attribute much of my success to being able to breastfeed Henry. We are just beginning to finish our journey and I know how lucky and special this is. I find joy knowing I provided the majority of his nutrition for 16 months! I’m quite certain though, he doesn’t get credit for all of it!
The rest of the weight loss is from hard work and determination. There’s no easy fix for weight loss. By setting goals, having motivation, and doing something I enjoyed I was successful.
I’m eating better, I enjoy working out, I have more confidence. People have noticed my weight loss, this is just a perk to everything else.
I fell in love with a program that anyone can do! It’s not a magic pill, it’s not a meal replacement program, it’s hard work. A friend said to me, “who needs ‘it works’, when I work.” I’m not perfect, I didn’t follow 21 day fix to the max, I binged. I skipped workouts but my overall health is better. I feel better. I've recently developed a "catch phrase", if you will, of "Find your healthy."
To me, it's about what makes you happy and what makes you feel better. I never thought I would be a motivator for weight loss or exercise but here I am. I'm not sure what me being a "coach" will look like but right now, I just want to share my story and encourage you to find something you enjoy and makes you happy.
~H~
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