Thursday, June 23, 2016

Due North.

My morning routine has changed since Monday. I hug my baby a little longer and a little tighter. I give him extra kisses and let him know he's the world to me. I will do whatever I can to keep him safe.

We go outside and watch the construction work and at some point I go to the sidewalk and look due North, two blocks down. I see the park, where we had Henry's first birthday party, where I grew up playing and where my son will play. I see kids playing baseball and parents watching, cars driving by and people walking dogs. Their lives go on without knowing what happened just a few yards away. I don't watch the cars or people, I look past the park and shelter house to look at the house. Knowing that when I look this direction each day, everyone else's lives move on, but my mind is fixated on Monday morning.

I have been training for this day for more than six years, but I always prayed and hoped I would never, ever have to use these skills I had acquired. There’s some things that no matter how much you train for you will never be fully prepared. I knew what I was signing up for as a member of the ambulance service. There are days when I question if I'm in the right profession but i know that this was out of my hands. I was scheduled to work Monday, but due to switching weekends I was off. I still had my sitter lined up, so I dropped Henry off and instead of going to get groceries, I wanted to do a few things around the house first. And that's when time stopped.

So forgive me, if I seem overprotective. Forgive me, if I don’t let you watch my child.  Forgive me, if I start to cry when it seems like there is no reason. Forgive me, if I get quiet and don’t want to talk or get angry for what seems like no reason. Forgive me, because in my 27 years I have seen and done more than someone should ever have to do and my heart is broken.

I know people will have questions, but I can't answer them (for personal reasons and other reasons). But this should help with some of the encrypted messages I have posted, it's a glimpse into my life this week and why I might seem gloomy. I'm not writing this to get "I'm sorry"s or sympathy. It's mostly to help me cope personally.

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