As you know, if you know me at all, I write to process. I write because I don't know how to tell people things that are personal to me. However, I know that if I don't get things out it's not good for me either. So I feel like this is the best way to tell what's going on with us. What I'm about to write about isn't an easy subject at all, so trigger warning I guess.
Sunday night I had emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy. It was not something we were expecting at all. So here goes the story.
I had been having some cramping /pelvic pain on and off throughout December but put it off as irregular periods since I had stopped breast feeding in September so I had just started regular periods again. Most days I was fine, without pain. I was working out like normal, going about my day as normal without thought that something might be wrong. Sunday was no different. We went to church and about our day. We went to our friends for supper and played cribbage. The last round of cribbage I started feeling nauseous and by the time we got home I vomited and developed severe abdominal pain where I couldn't move without being in pain or feeling nauseous. I fought with myself about needing to go to the ER, as a nurse I didn't want to go for nothing. Thankfully, Randy was persuasive and got me to go in.
As with almost any female patient that comes in, they asked for a urine sample. Thinking about a bad UTI or Pyelonephritis (when the infection gets to the kidneys). I had some back pain, but figured it was from working out a little harder than I had been and doing a core workout. Shortly after I peed in cup the doctor came back and said my pregnancy test was positive. This was a huge shock for us. Especially since I was on birth control and had been having periods. Of course, I instantly knew that this was now likely an ectopic pregnancy as this was one of my fears before going in that night.
It still didn't hit me that I was pregnant. Labs showed that I was only about 5-6 weeks along. Ultrasound was called in. I knew that the US tech wasn't really supposed to tell me what he saw but he showed me the pools of fluid, debris and a possible cyst by my ovary. He also said there was nothing in the uterus, but with only a hcg of 700 he wasn't super surprised he couldn't see anything.
Multiple doses of morphine didn't help my pain. After walking to the restroom, I felt like I was going to pass out. I had never been in this much pain in my life.
Long story short, the OB/GYN was called in and I was quickly prepped for surgery. The ARNP was someone we know so that comforted me a little. (He was also the one that did my epidural for Henry and had to be called back in for that.) He gave me happy drugs and I was whisked away. I don't recall much from before the surgery. I woke up in recovery and remember being freezing. I said I'm cold but other than that could really only nod or shake my head. I did say belly button when asked where most of my pain was. I also remember asking if they took the tube and the nurses replied they had taken the left Fallopian tube. While I knew this was likely going to happen, I was still in shock and upset. As a friend said, anything with the reproductive system is emotional, and now knowing that I wasn't "whole" was upsetting, especially as this was unexpected and sudden. As well as the tube, they drained out 2 1/2 liters of blood from my abdomen, and old blood that had adhered to my ovary. I have pictures if you're that interested. They believe I was probably bleeding since December because of the old blood and the other symptoms. They also said most people would have been in a lot sooner because of the pain, but like I said I put it off as nothing. I always say, nurses make the worst patients, especially seeing so many people come in to the ER for nothing, I didn't want to be one of those people!
We were in the ER by 11 and I was in surgery by 330, and in my room at 630. I spent the day hanging in 2158, a room I had helped so many patients in as a tech. I think all nurses feel the same that it is so hard to be a patient. These things aren't supposed to happen to us. Afterwards, most of the pain was in my shoulders due to the gas that they filled me up with for surgery. I still have some pain in my belly from the puncture incisions and I think from everything adjusting back to normal after the blood being removed. I'm hoping being in decent shape prior to the surgery will help my recovery go quicker but I'm prepared for a week of resting. But it's hard not being able to hold Henry and he doesn't understand that he can't jump on me like he used to. It's hard not being able to workout or do things around the house today.
I now have to morn the loss of a baby I wasn't expecting and didn't know about. How can you begin to process finding out in less than 24 hours you're pregnant and now having surgery to remove an ectopic pregnancy and a Fallopian tube. When the US tech asked how far along I was that kind of shook me. I wasn't pregnant. So to process the fact that I actually was pregnant and now no longer am is a hard one. It's impossible to explain how you can so quickly fall in love with something that I had no idea about and now is gone. It's impossible to know how I should feel when in less than 12 hours I found out I was pregnant and it was slowly killing me. I received an empty cradle box from the hospital. I wanted to deny it, saying someone else who actually knew they were having an infant loss needed it more, but then it hit me. I had an infant loss. I was going to go through a grieving and morning process. I lost a baby.
We were just starting to consider a second child. While they say my fertility won't be affected it's scary to think that my change of another ectopic increase. It's hard to know where to go next from here or what will happen. granted, I don't have to make any decision quickly.
I am so thankful for great friends and family that has been there for me during this. I am so thankful for the love and support I have. I am not posting to ask for sympathy, just prayers as we work through this and for my recovery. So if you ask about when we are having another baby, please don't be surprised if I start to cry or don't want to talk about it.