Lost

One week has passed since my life has changed. Since we lost a baby. I'm still processing, and working through the huge amount of things that happened last week.

I had emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy, in which had probably been bleeding since December, causing old blood to adhere to my ovaries. My left fallopian tube was removed and two and a half liters of blood. As well as my angel baby.

I think for me, this is worse than a "regular" miscarriage. I'm not down playing the awfulness of miscarriages at all. I feel for all that have had one or multiple. I'm sure it's not any easier. I morn the loss of a baby I will never know. I morn the thought of what that baby could be. Who they would have turned into. The joy of seeing smiles and giggles. But with every movement I make, I am reminded of the surgery I had and why. Every time I twitch wrong, I get pains. Looking at my belly in the mirror I see the incisions where part of me was removed. I have a massive headache that makes me dizzy and nauseous. All of this, a constant reminder of the baby I lost.

At first, it didn't seem to me that we lost a baby. I didn't know I was pregnant and being only 5-6 weeks along, it's hard to accept still. The ultrasound tech asked how far along I was. Nurses said, "You didn't know you were pregnant". No, I didn't know I was pregnant. But every time I look into my patient portal, to look at my labs, a new health condition is there listed: Ectopic pregnancy. I have an increased risk of having another ectopic and even if it is a low percentage, it's still a percentage, it's still an increased chance. And that scares me. Pregnancy isn't too good to me, my first, I violently puked for 41 weeks, and my second tried to kill me... as much as I want Henry to experience being a big brother, I think it may take a while for me to accept that I am capable of having a "normal" pregnancy.

I spent hours, looking for the perfect ring to symbolize the loss I have, because I never want to forget my angel baby. I don't think I ever will because every time I look at my stomach, I'll see the stretch marks from my first baby intertwined with the scars from my surgery.