Truth: I've been on the verge of tears since leaving work. I had a nice little cry in my car before leaving also. Was it a rough night? Not really, no different than other nights I've had. Except for being asked where I've been by a coworker before I left. I recounted my story briefly about having surgery for an ectopic pregnancy. She said she felt like shit for asking but I said it was okay. Which I guess was a lie. I thought I would be ready to talk about it more. I didn't think that saying what happened would affect me. Like I said before, it's still hard to grasp the concept that we lost a baby. But each time I hear someone say "I'm sorry" I think about it and it becomes a little more real I guess. It's still hard. I still hurt. I still wonder what that baby would be like. I tell myself that I wasn't ready for another baby yet anyway. But maybe deep down I am and now, I have to build up the courage (?) and strength to take the risk. Will I ever really be ready?
There are fewer than 200,000 cases of ectopic pregnancies per year. Does that make me special? I don't know. But I know that this experience has change me, physically, emotionally and spiritually. By being told other people would have come in a lot sooner for the pain, does that make me stronger or just a fool for letting it get too bad? I thought about that on my way home too. I was immobilized by the pain I was having and still rated it at 8/10. I'm sure it's the nurse in me coming out since I was still conscious and had all my limbs attached yet. But this was truly the worst pain I have ever experienced. They say pain is weakness leaving the body. But I certainly feel week still. I feel defeated at times, like getting winded simply hanging up clothes. I know I shouldn't feel defeated because I did have major surgery and am still recovering but it's hard for me to laid up.
I write to get shit out, so I babble about nothing because I don't know how to process this yet. Because it's still grey and fuzzy at times. It was a whirlwind and an emotional roller coaster that I'm still riding. Hop along if you're brave enough.